Stepping into the Darkness

It’s horrifyingly dark, I can’t see anything around or in front of me. I’m scared, cowering away, contorting my body so that I don’t have to touch the void, the unknown that presents itself to me.

I’ve been delaying – procrastinating. No, it’s even worse than that. I’ve realised that the reason I’m not writing is because of fear.

But in my stillness and paralysis I realise that it’s not the unknown that scares me as much as ‘them’. Out there, in the mean and snarling dark they’re there waiting for me, I know it.

If I sit still for long enough I can see and feel what it is that I fear. If I let them know with my words who I really am, how I really feel, if I share my inner world with them then it’s sure to happen. Putting myself out there, allowing people to see into my heart means they’ll surely hurt me with their judgement, disagreement, ridicule and mockery. My words will be misunderstood, I’ll be judged. My friends will see that I’m no longer who they think I am. To them I’ll be a fraud, someone who they no longer want in their life, someone who they now chose to reject. Someone who they can’t identify with, who they no longer share with. All the more reason to stay still, stay safe, don’t venture into the dark.

And the worst one of all is a fear of an unknown reality. I fear that people will read my words and mock me in their heads or in their coffee conversations. Words and mocking that I may never get to hear. I fear something that I may never know about. But it’s funny how these words are what I fear the most. An unknown reality that belongs to someone else.

And even if I did take a step into that evil darkness, who wants to know what I think? Who cares? Who am I to share my thoughts and feelings? How presumptuous of me that people will find it interesting, inspiring, motivating even.

Everything that I’m scared of is outside of me. Ridicule from others, rejection from others, being hurt by other people’s words or thoughts, being misunderstood by others. And who’s to say they’ll act like this anyway? Who’s to say any of this will happen? Ultimately I’m scared of myself. Because these are my own thoughts, my own made up stories about a situation that hasn’t even happened yet. Where does that leave me? Stuck and unexpressed. Embroiled in a world of made up hatred.

The fear has manifested in many ways. I’ve filled my time with many other ‘important’ activities. I’ve bullied myself for not getting the real work done. I’ve created useless tasks that don’t need doing. I’ve avoided sitting still. I’ve exhausted myself with unnecessary action and worry. I’ve looked for anything else to do but that. It’s funny what fear does to you and how it makes you act. I’ve punished myself for something they haven’t even done yet – or may EVER do – a story I’ve made up in my head.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry to myself for allowing this to happen. I’m sorry to the words that have never made it to the screen. I’m sorry to the repressed feelings that have never been articulated. But above all I forgive. I forgive myself for hesitating, for being cautious and for not wanting to be hurt. I forgive myself for in-activity and I congratulate myself for the courage I have found to act now. The first step is the best step. And remember dear self,

“nothing is permannent, nothing is finished, nothing is perfect”

You are loved by me and that is all that you need to find and embrace the courage it takes to repel the fear inside. Let it go and write, express yourself. Feel free with your words for you never know where they may take you or who they will take you to.

But what about the haters? The ones that will hurt me.

What haters? I don’t see any haters. You’re loved by more people than you know. They’re waiting for you, for you to share yourself, your story. They’re already waiting for you to go to them. They have their arms wide to receive you with adoration and love. You can’t see this but please trust this. Now walk forward in the dark, shine a small light around you and move forward for there are great things waiting for you, you shall see, I already see.

Trust, trust, trust.

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