What Shaped me Into Who I am Today
Like so many of us, I experienced a lot of childhood trauma and took it out on myself for my entire early adult life. Maybe this resonates. I used the desperate desire for something better to fuel my search for happiness, and I got so much more than that.
I grew up in a very difficult household, experiencing covert abuse, fear, loneliness, abandonment, aggression and suppression. Later in life I used excessive drinking, drugs and sleeping around (to name a few) to help try to suppress my pain and shame. Anger, bullying, martyr hood and being the victim. They all manifested in my life.
I clung on to relationships that didn’t serve me, because I didn’t have the self-value needed to believe that anyone else would love me, including myself. I didn’t know who I was, and I was completely disconnected from the possibility of a genuinely joyful life. I was following a life script given to me by my parents and society. I followed it so blindly, I never once stopped to ask who am I and what do I want?
Counselling and coaching didn’t help subside the self-sabotage, pain, misery, boredom, anger, and fear. It continued to grow to the point where I was crying myself into my well paid, high-power corporate job every day, not knowing how I was going to survive to 5.00pm. I hated myself for harbouring so much anger and resentment for life and everyone in it. I had everything so surely, I should be happy?
I quit my job and travelled around the world for 16 months with my then partner, but even those days were fuelled with pain, misery and permanent anger. Why? Because I wasn’t listening to my soul and because I didn’t do it authentically!
The misery, pain and anger I was experiencing was my soul screaming at me to take the necessary action to make the right change in my life. I was ignoring the signs. You see, when we don’t wake up to our true path our soul will create chaos so that we have no choice but to pay attention.
It took me a long time to realise that what I actually needed was to cut all ties to an inauthentic life and habits that didn’t serve me and move forward to those that did. This was the turning point and it required all the courage I could find, but it was either that or remain unfulfilled, suffocated and never releasing my potential.